Not Just (one) Voice

{Self Love Letter, by Julien}

Dear Julien,

            I have struggled very hard in the last few years to accept you the way you are. I never understood your sensitivity, or the way you felt things you shouldn’t. I thought you were weak. I didn’t like the way you looked. I’ve always known that you had a pretty face, that’s what everyone says, but you never looked the way I wanted. No matter how little you ate or how much makeup you wore. You always had a lot of potential, but never the drive to realize it. I was disappointed in you for a long time.

            As years went by I spent a lot of time thinking about you. I realize now that I spent too much time trying to change you, but as weak as I thought you were you wouldn’t let me get in. I would try to hurt you and you would push forward anyway. And then there were these flashes of your light. The times when you were just so funny in conversations with your brother, or the way you would care for your sick mother on her bad days. You were beautiful then, in a way that I wanted to trap in a bottle and keep for your bad days, because you had a lot of those then.

            In the last two years I’ve seen you grow in ways I didn’t know you could. Maybe I was trying to stop you. I don’t know. But you’ve become a beautiful young woman. The vulnerability that I have been so afraid of has become one of your greatest strengths. The way you balance your timetable is quite impressive, and I know you’re shooting for the stars. Somebody once told me that if your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough, and your dreams scare the crap out of me. But I’m proud of you.

            I am so sorry for the way I’ve mistreated you. The thing is, like the rest of the world, I didn’t understand you when you were younger. Now I know why you were so quiet. Now I can respect that you are more than good enough the way you already are. Because lets be honest here, you’re a pretty excellent person.
            And I love you.