A True Inner Struggle That I Love
By: Eli Linsenmeier
They said you were too much, they said you were bad and that you pushed them to do what they did. It was always your fault, you never did anything right.
Words swirled in your head, and soon that made you start to believe they were true. Stupid. Mean. Liar. Ugly. Thief. Rude. Annoying. A pain. Unlovable. It was a never ending list.
You tried so hard to prove them wrong, and got so tired at times. They didn’t see your efforts, you felt unappreciated. They each kept their grudge. They just wouldn’t budge.
Nightmares would seize your imagination and defile it with negative beliefs and views. It began to get easier. You stopped trying to resist and gave in to what they expected of you. You became ruthless.
Rejection, that became your lifestyle. You would hand the people who said they loved you a key. A key to your love, trust, and devotion. Then one by one, they would throw it back to you. They didn’t even need to say anything; it was an ‘invitation’ enough to leave their lives and homes.
It became a habit. Soon enough you were expecting everyone to give your key back. You distanced yourself from those who you felt a fondness to. you would hurt others, to protect yourself.
Words swirled in your head, and soon that made you start to believe they were true. Stupid. Mean. Liar. Ugly. Thief. Rude. Annoying. A pain. Unlovable. It was a never ending list.
You tried so hard to prove them wrong, and got so tired at times. They didn’t see your efforts, you felt unappreciated. They each kept their grudge. They just wouldn’t budge.
Nightmares would seize your imagination and defile it with negative beliefs and views. It began to get easier. You stopped trying to resist and gave in to what they expected of you. You became ruthless.
Rejection, that became your lifestyle. You would hand the people who said they loved you a key. A key to your love, trust, and devotion. Then one by one, they would throw it back to you. They didn’t even need to say anything; it was an ‘invitation’ enough to leave their lives and homes.
It became a habit. Soon enough you were expecting everyone to give your key back. You distanced yourself from those who you felt a fondness to. you would hurt others, to protect yourself.
Better for me to hurt them before the hurt me.
Years went by, you were living in this world. You thought that it was like this for everyone, and your life was just as normal and hellish as everyone else's.
Now this is me. Here I am and I'm great. You still scream inside of me, confused, angry, hurt and alone. Sometimes that shows in me and you get the best of me. But we're working on that, now aren't we? Truth is... You're amazing, funny, kind, smart, creative, beautiful, athletic, gentle, strong, and loveable. And so am I. Beth, you were great... Never forget that. You shaped who Eli is today, and Eli is pretty great. Let's be honest, he's all the same things you were back then: Amazing, gentle, funny, athletic, smart, eccentric, beautiful, loving, helpful, strong, creative, handsome, a gentleman, loveable...
Now this is me. Here I am and I'm great. You still scream inside of me, confused, angry, hurt and alone. Sometimes that shows in me and you get the best of me. But we're working on that, now aren't we? Truth is... You're amazing, funny, kind, smart, creative, beautiful, athletic, gentle, strong, and loveable. And so am I. Beth, you were great... Never forget that. You shaped who Eli is today, and Eli is pretty great. Let's be honest, he's all the same things you were back then: Amazing, gentle, funny, athletic, smart, eccentric, beautiful, loving, helpful, strong, creative, handsome, a gentleman, loveable...
- ... This list goes on and on. Obviously though, this is a much better list.
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